I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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