Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
