That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
