i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
