i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
