You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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