theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
