My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
