I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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