My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't deserve a penis
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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