I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
