I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
