i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
