epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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