Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
