you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
