stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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