are you still at the devil's house?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
