Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
