idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
