my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
