38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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