I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
