the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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