haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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