Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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