The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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