He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
