Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
