did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
4 words: hood of his car
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize