Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
