how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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