i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
