Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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