hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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