Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
