You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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