so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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