is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
