You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
