just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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