Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
