I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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