the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
