dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
