Can Purell be used as lube?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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