My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
