i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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