Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
