This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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