It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize