I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
