I wish my penis had an off switch
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
