I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
