I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize